Make it behavioral
The way we deliver feedback can make the difference between instant defensiveness and thoughtful consideration.
When we want someone to change, focusing on behavior is usually more effective than focusing on character. I explored this idea in Are You Trying to Change Their Character?
Let’s put the idea into practice by framing feedback so it has a better chance of being heard. One shift can make the difference between instant defensiveness and thoughtful consideration: Make it behavioral.
“Make it behavioral” means to describe the behavior without adding our interpretations, labels, or diagnoses.
Instead of telling someone what they are, we describe what they said or did.
Why “make it behavioral” works
Calling someone disrespectful gives them something to argue about. Describing what they did gives them something to consider.
When we call someone obstructionist, disrespectful, or passive-aggressive, they can (and likely will) protest our characterization, defend their intent, or challenge our right to judge them. Our interpretation becomes the focus of the conversation, instead of the problem we’re trying to address.
When we describe specific behaviors, we remove the interpretive layer that triggers defensiveness. We focus the conversation on the behavior itself rather than whether our label is fair.
Most people will not become less passive-aggressive, kinder, or more considerate because we tell them they should be. Many people will, however, consider a request to raise concerns directly with you, or to stop rolling their eyes when a certain committee member speaks.
Examples of “making it behavioral”
Instead of “You’re being obstructionist,” try: “You’re saying no to each idea I propose.”
Instead of “You’re being disrespectful,” try: “You are interrupting me repeatedly.”
Instead of “Do you have to be so passive-aggressive all the time?” try: “It’s helpful to know concerns about a decision before the decision is final. Will you voice concerns earlier?”
When we’re on the receiving end
The same principle applies when we’re on the receiving end of feedback or when we’re a third party trying to help someone change their delivery. For example:
“When you conclude I’m a complainer, what is it that I’m saying or doing that conveys this to you?”
“What did I say or do that makes you believe I’m not thankful for what you’ve done?”
“What did he say or do that made you believe he was trying to coerce you?”
“What are they doing or not doing that makes you feel you can’t count on them?”
Testing the approach
An attorney who also mediates once emailed about an article of mine. He wrote, “I just can’t agree with any premise that lets bullies and narcissists off the hook, or legitimizes their conduct, or even worse, makes them out to be victims.”
Ouch. I nearly deleted it without responding.
Instead, I waited a day, then wrote back, thanked him for sharing his thoughts, and asked, “What led you to conclude that I’m proposing we let difficult behaviors pass unaddressed?”
His reply gave me useful information: “Unless I’ve missed something, your article doesn’t condemn those difficult behaviors.”
Now I understood. He was right—I rarely condemn difficult behavior. As my granny used to say, there but for the grace of God go I. And I don’t see myself in the business of condemnation. The last thing someone in conflict needs is yet another person judging them. I see myself in the business of helping people keep their balance so their better angels are able to join the conversation.
Where I’d been ready to write him off as aggressive and rude, seeing him as someone with a different view of the mediator’s job transformed my willingness to engage.
A few final notes
Making this shift is harder when emotions are high. When we feel wronged or fed up, the pull toward interpretation and labels is strong, and slowing down to describe behavior takes more discipline.
When someone’s conduct is harmful or falls below a bottom line, we naturally want to reach for language that communicates the seriousness and impact. “Make it behavioral” will help communicate the problem in those instances, but won’t, by itself, be sufficient. If you haven’t seen the article I referenced earlier, it may be helpful.
There are always edge cases. For every useful practice like, “make it behavioral,” there are situations where it’s not as helpful. Don’t let edge cases carry more weight than they deserve; they can become a way to avoid the discomfort of trying out a new approach.